The First Chapter in The Paranormal Memoirs is here.
"You've always felt like you're being watched, huh?"
I'm listening to an ancient cassette tape recording of a session I had on my fourteenth birthday with an intuitive | astrologer | psychotherapist.
I can remember the mischievous smile she gave me when she asked me this -- stated it, really -- one of those classic knowing, penetrating looks that implied we were both "in" on something secretive and thrilling. The astrologer's voice is louder on the tape, closer to the microphone, but you can hear me faintly shuffle and squirm and mumble a confession -- a "Yeah" that's part nervous chuckle.
You can hear the rustle of the piece of paper printed with my natal chart as she shows it to me. "Your Sun is in Leo, but both your Moon and your Ascendant are in Scorpio. You know how the sun looks reflected on the surface of a lake or an ocean? The sun's light and shape becomes... shattered, and all the pieces move... Or think of what it looks like to go underwater, to the bottom of a pool, and look back up at the sun in the sky. That's what all this Water in your chart does to your Sun -- it's the reason why that Leo horoscope you read in the newspaper is never going to seem like it's talking about you. Don't even bother, okay? A double-water-sign like this indicates significant psychic sensitivity -- and that's why you know you're not alone.
"Nearly everyone has some intuition, and it takes different forms, but it's especially hard to avoid for those with a lot of Water. Now, when the Water is Pisces, you just know, the presence of Spirit is a part of your entire experience, as normal to you as breathing, so ordinary that you don't feel a need to talk about it; when it's Cancer, you may know but you probably don't even feel comfortable thinking about it much, let alone talking about it; but when it's Scorpio -- as it is with you -- you know that there is Spirit around you -- you either think about Spirit constantly -- or you are aware of it on some level -- but you also feel you're not supposed to talk about it. Do you understand the difference?
"For you, the spirits around you feel like an Enormous Secret. It feels like something you should keep to yourself. You're not afraid of the spirits at all -- but you're very afraid of people who would not understand... I'm not saying you should not talk about this ever -- there will come a time in your life when you must -- just that it feels like you have to be careful about who you trust.
"There are two ways you will likely know when you can trust that someone else needs you to talk about the spirits -- they will ask you to tell them, or they will see it within you as if they are looking into a mirror and they will bring it up first, as I am doing right now. And when the circumstances are right for you to speak to one another, the spirits around you will greet one another as well. You can literally feel it when that happens -- it feels like this..."
There is a pause on the tape, but just listening to that empty moment is a trigger -- my entire body remembers how the shadows and the very air itself seemed to press in around us. The physical space, the desktop with my chart between us, seemed to shrink. My sense of vision, of depth and perspective, shifted. The room felt suddenly full, enclosed, with a presence like people stepping up behind me to breathe on the back of my neck...
"Like that..." Her voice on the tape is soft. "Do you feel how they encircled us?"
I must have only been able to nod.
"Great. That feeling is both an invitation and a confirmation. We are protected. We can talk with Them; we can talk about Them. Okay? Think we should?"
You can hear me say "Yes" -- clearly and firmly. My voice sounds different somehow... mature.
She takes a deep breath and sighs before she continues.
"You feel like you're always being followed. Actually, you feel like there are hidden cameras following everyone, but it doesn't seem like anyone else is noticing, or is paying attention. It's not unpleasant for you -- some people would find it unnerving, but you kind of like it... It makes you feel safe... powerful... doesn't it?"
She pauses. There is a break in the mood of her voice. "Uh oh, what's that look on your face about? Is it freaking you out because this is news to you, or are you just shocked because it's true and I'm saying it loud?"
"No, I'm... um... You know the scene in The Wizard of Oz -- 'Pay no attention to the Man behind the Curtain'...?"
You hear her laugh and clap her hands together "Ha! Yes! Excellent! I have exposed you as a Great and Terrible wizard, huh? We work behind the curtain, from the shadows, with the Mysteries, within the Mysteries. We are here to part the Veils."
I mumble something unintelligible -- I sound embarrassed, but you can hear that I'm smiling. I remember thinking at the time "Wow! She used the word We." She implied -- acknowledged -- that I was somehow like her. I was so impressed by that; I felt so validated.
I looked at her degrees on the wall behind her desk. One of the reasons my mother chose to let me have a session with her was because she was a licensed psychotherapist who happened to incorporate psychic ability and astrology into her practice. Something about that appealed to me very deeply. I believe that, in the back of my mind, all along my path, I have held that model, that combination, that intellect as an example. Something to set aside the "Neon Hands in the Window" that my ego just could not bear to be associated with. I admit, for many years I needed to believe in the concept of a "respectable," intelligent intuitive. Sure, it's a base concern -- judgmental and small-minded -- but I had to hope that I might one day be taken seriously.
"So, tell me -- how long have you known They are with you?"
"Since... Kind of as long as I can remember, really. The first time I actually saw One of Them was when I was six years old." At this point, I tell her a version of the story I told you last week, about The Ones Who Glow. "I don't see Them very often. I'm not sure that I want to, because They seem to physically show up under extremely stressful or unpleasant circumstances. But you're right -- I do feel Them with me almost all the time. It's a very comforting sensation."
Try the Invitation Yourself, Right Now There's no great magic involved.
- Simply be still for a moment.
- Close your eyes if you wish -- it helps you curl the fingers of your attention inward.
- Invite the guardians who are watching over you to step closer.
- Tell them you want to feel their presence.
- Pay attention to how your body responds.
- Notice any subtle air pressure changes -- your skin and hair are like millions of tiny antennae.
You may feel Someone standing at your back; it may feel like Someone has laid a cloak around your shoulders; you may feel faintly held or "spooned"... This feeling may be physical or emotional or both.
What do you feel? Leave a comment and tell me what you feel when you try this.
image credit greekadman via Creative Commons on Flickr
The Next Chapter in The Paranormal Memoirs is here.